I always loved watching feel good movies. I always imagine myself to be the lead actress with whom the handsome actor fell in love with. I guess every girl in the world wishes to have a fairy tale ending.
My heart has been broken a number of times already. I stopped believing that I am a damsel in distress and my prince charming would come to my rescue one day. I know that you are thinking that you know where I am heading and you know where this story will end. You are probably thinking that somebody already proved me wrong. But no--somebody already proved me right. That I am right to say and think that life is not a fairy tale after all. That true love is rare. That prince charmings re meant to live in books and not in real life. That no one would sweep me off my feet and would turn me head over heels. No, there is no such thing as love. Love is a luxury and only the lucky ones get to feel true love.
I met a guy not too long ago. A known player who promised me the world. A guy who promised me that he would love me with all his heart. He promised me that he would prove everyone wrong including me. He promised me that he would prove to me that he is worth every second of my time.
Yes, he did. He did all his promises but only for a while. To cut it short, this guy broke my heart. Before I met him, I still believed and hoped that I would find true love. That not all guys are douche bags. I thought for a while that he could be the one. Even if not forever, he is someone that I would cherish for the rest of my life. It's just that, I thought too much that in the end, all that's left are thoughts.
Even if that guy did broke my heart, I still chose to stay. Not because I love him, but because he makes me feel alive. He is the only one that keeps my feet stuck into reality. Maybe if I let him go and if ever I did not allowed him back into my life, I would remain heartless. For he gives me pain that keeps me believing that one day I will finally find true happiness.
I really don't know where we are heading. we might seem stable at the moment but I know one day, if he finds another--if I find another, we'll leave and forget each other. I actually don't care anymore. The only thing that I care about is what we have now. He makes me feel special at times, he makes me feel pretty and needed. He makes me feel that I matter. I am happy, though I don't know if I am loved or if you can call whatever we have now as love, only the future knows the answer. I don't know and I won't care as long as I am happy even though I am hurting..
Monday, July 4, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A Letter to Every Boyfriend in the World
Dear Boyfriend,
I believe I am not asking too much. Just a little time and your whole heart :) I know I am annoying at times and I tend to get resentful. I just want you to know that I feel and act this way because I am so afraid that I might loose you someday.
You get mad whenever I feel insecure and jealous. I am like this because sometimes, I don't know where I am at and what I should feel. I don't feel secure because you don't assure me that I have that special place in your heart and life. But even if I act this way, I still trust that I am the only one. I just need you to tell me and let me feel that it is true.
Be proud of me. I don't like the feeling that you are hiding the fact that we are together.
Make time for me. I will appreciate every minute.
Be patient. If I won't tell you how I feel, who else can I turn to?
Show me you love me. I will love you even more.
You may think that I demand too much. These are simple things that I ask. These simple things will make me happy. These simple things will make me love you even more, though I know that even if you don't show these simple things, I will continue to love you more and more.
Love,
Your Girlfriend
I believe I am not asking too much. Just a little time and your whole heart :) I know I am annoying at times and I tend to get resentful. I just want you to know that I feel and act this way because I am so afraid that I might loose you someday.
You get mad whenever I feel insecure and jealous. I am like this because sometimes, I don't know where I am at and what I should feel. I don't feel secure because you don't assure me that I have that special place in your heart and life. But even if I act this way, I still trust that I am the only one. I just need you to tell me and let me feel that it is true.
Be proud of me. I don't like the feeling that you are hiding the fact that we are together.
Make time for me. I will appreciate every minute.
Be patient. If I won't tell you how I feel, who else can I turn to?
Show me you love me. I will love you even more.
You may think that I demand too much. These are simple things that I ask. These simple things will make me happy. These simple things will make me love you even more, though I know that even if you don't show these simple things, I will continue to love you more and more.
Love,
Your Girlfriend
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Unanswered Question
"Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole"
-from the song: Make Me Whole by Amiel Larriex
Getting into a relationship is like giving another person a VIP pass into your life. I am now wondering what are the things a person should consider and do to grant and be granted this VIP pass.
I met someone who believes in the saying, "carpe diem" or seize the day. He said that he won't waste time and doesn't believe in courtship because every second counts. Why waste time in courtship if you love the person?
Growing up in a conservative society makes it hard for women to get into a relationship that fast. But thinking about the modernization and the liberation in the Philippines, the only people who cares about courtship are the elders and our parents.
Seeing the people around me get in and out of a relationship makes me wonder if it is really worth the risk. I wonder why people still dare to be attached to another people when everybody else's love keeps on falling.
That question is still left unanswered.
Or maybe the reason why it is left unanswered is because of the fear of getting an answer.
I hope that I will soon be writing about how extravagant and extraordinary love can be. I wish that I will be able to answer that question.
Take the risk?
o leave it hangin'?
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole"
-from the song: Make Me Whole by Amiel Larriex
Getting into a relationship is like giving another person a VIP pass into your life. I am now wondering what are the things a person should consider and do to grant and be granted this VIP pass.
I met someone who believes in the saying, "carpe diem" or seize the day. He said that he won't waste time and doesn't believe in courtship because every second counts. Why waste time in courtship if you love the person?
Growing up in a conservative society makes it hard for women to get into a relationship that fast. But thinking about the modernization and the liberation in the Philippines, the only people who cares about courtship are the elders and our parents.
Seeing the people around me get in and out of a relationship makes me wonder if it is really worth the risk. I wonder why people still dare to be attached to another people when everybody else's love keeps on falling.
That question is still left unanswered.
Or maybe the reason why it is left unanswered is because of the fear of getting an answer.
I hope that I will soon be writing about how extravagant and extraordinary love can be. I wish that I will be able to answer that question.
Take the risk?
o leave it hangin'?
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Acceptance
Morality (from the Latin moralitas "manner, character, proper behavior") is a sense of behavioral conduct that differentiates intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are good (or right) and bad (or wrong). A moral code is a system of morality (for example, according to a particular philosophy, religion, culture, etc.) and a moral is any one practice or teaching within a moral code. Immorality is the active opposition to morality, while amorality is variously defined as an unawareness of, indifference toward, or disbelief in any set of moral standards or principles
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morality
How are we going to define morality? Can we say that one is immoral because we have contrasting beliefs?
In a Christian country like the Philippines, defying or questioning God and religion is a taboo. This is an act that a commoner would despise. Not attending the charge and not having a religion is wrong in the common Filipino eyes. Once you have stated what you believe, you will be judged and will be condemned.
I had a chance to hang out with a friend who is a Catholic. We had a great time and got to know each other well in a short span of time. However, when we talked about religion, our wills clashed.
He asked me what my religion is and if I go to church regularly. It took me quite a long time before I was able to answer. I thought that there will be no use if I deny what I really think and I have my own beliefs and I think everybody should respect that.
I told him that I was born Catholic but I don’t go to church anymore. It’s not that I don’t believe in God or I cross His teachings. I explained to him that I have a lot of questions and I still haven’t found the answers. (If you have been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know what it is)http://nicnax.blogspot.com/2010/11/religion-and-homosexuality.html
I was very disappointed when he told me that I am wrong and that I should go to church. It’s just an hour every Sunday and I won’t die if I attend. He told me that I’ll find the answers by listening to the word of God.
I’ve read a lot about the God’s teachings. I haven’t found what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been to different churches and have listened to different people telling me what to do and what to believe. I haven’t found the peace that I’ve been looking for.
I realized that because I chose to stand for what I believe, I will continue to be an exception. I will still be an outcast. It will be very hard for me to find someone that will understand.
I may not be like everybody else that fears of defying or questioning religion. But I am just like everyone else who believes in God and hopes that someday, He’ll give me His hand so I can see what I have been looking for. It’s just that I know I won’t find what I am looking for by merely going to church and pretending that I listen and I understand.
I am not afraid to be alone. I won’t deny what I feel so that I can be accepted in this society. I understand that it will happen. Someday, I know people will understand. I just hope that those pretending that they care will not look at me for what I believe and won’t see me for what I am not. I hope that they will see me for the beauty and uniqueness that I have.
I may be immoral in your eyes. But try to stand from where I am. You won't dare to say the things you've already said.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morality
How are we going to define morality? Can we say that one is immoral because we have contrasting beliefs?
In a Christian country like the Philippines, defying or questioning God and religion is a taboo. This is an act that a commoner would despise. Not attending the charge and not having a religion is wrong in the common Filipino eyes. Once you have stated what you believe, you will be judged and will be condemned.
I had a chance to hang out with a friend who is a Catholic. We had a great time and got to know each other well in a short span of time. However, when we talked about religion, our wills clashed.
He asked me what my religion is and if I go to church regularly. It took me quite a long time before I was able to answer. I thought that there will be no use if I deny what I really think and I have my own beliefs and I think everybody should respect that.
I told him that I was born Catholic but I don’t go to church anymore. It’s not that I don’t believe in God or I cross His teachings. I explained to him that I have a lot of questions and I still haven’t found the answers. (If you have been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know what it is)http://nicnax.blogspot.com/2010/11/religion-and-homosexuality.html
I was very disappointed when he told me that I am wrong and that I should go to church. It’s just an hour every Sunday and I won’t die if I attend. He told me that I’ll find the answers by listening to the word of God.
I’ve read a lot about the God’s teachings. I haven’t found what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been to different churches and have listened to different people telling me what to do and what to believe. I haven’t found the peace that I’ve been looking for.
I realized that because I chose to stand for what I believe, I will continue to be an exception. I will still be an outcast. It will be very hard for me to find someone that will understand.
I may not be like everybody else that fears of defying or questioning religion. But I am just like everyone else who believes in God and hopes that someday, He’ll give me His hand so I can see what I have been looking for. It’s just that I know I won’t find what I am looking for by merely going to church and pretending that I listen and I understand.
I am not afraid to be alone. I won’t deny what I feel so that I can be accepted in this society. I understand that it will happen. Someday, I know people will understand. I just hope that those pretending that they care will not look at me for what I believe and won’t see me for what I am not. I hope that they will see me for the beauty and uniqueness that I have.
I may be immoral in your eyes. But try to stand from where I am. You won't dare to say the things you've already said.
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