Fact or Fiction--You Decide

I always loved watching feel good movies. I always imagine myself to be the lead actress with whom the handsome actor fell in love with. I guess every girl in the world wishes to have a fairy tale ending.

My heart has been broken a number of times already. I stopped believing that I am a damsel in distress and my prince charming would come to my rescue one day. I know that you are thinking that you know where I am heading and you know where this story will end. You are probably thinking that somebody already proved me wrong. But no--somebody already proved me right. That I am right to say and think that life is not a fairy tale after all. That true love is rare. That prince charmings re meant to live in books and not in real life. That no one would sweep me off my feet and would turn me head over heels. No, there is no such thing as love. Love is a luxury and only the lucky ones get to feel true love.

I met a guy not too long ago. A known player who promised me the world. A guy who promised me that he would love me with all his heart. He promised me that he would prove everyone wrong including me. He promised me that he would prove to me that he is worth every second of my time.

Yes, he did. He did all his promises but only for a while. To cut it short, this guy broke my heart. Before I met him, I still believed and hoped that I would find true love. That not all guys are douche bags. I thought for a while that he could be the one. Even if not forever, he is someone that I would cherish for the rest of my life. It's just that, I thought too much that in the end, all that's left are thoughts.

Even if that guy did broke my heart, I still chose to stay. Not because I love him, but because he makes me feel alive. He is the only one that keeps my feet stuck into reality. Maybe if I let him go and if ever I did not allowed him back into my life, I would remain heartless. For he gives me pain that keeps me believing that one day I will finally find true happiness.

I really don't know where we are heading. we might seem stable at the moment but I know one day, if he finds another--if I find another, we'll leave and forget each other. I actually don't care anymore. The only thing that I care about is what we have now. He makes me feel special at times, he makes me feel pretty and needed. He makes me feel that I matter. I am happy, though I don't know if I am loved or if you can call whatever we have now as love, only the future knows the answer. I don't know and I won't care as long as I am happy even though I am hurting..

A Letter to Every Boyfriend in the World

Dear Boyfriend,

I believe I am not asking too much. Just a little time and your whole heart :) I know I am annoying at times and I tend to get resentful. I just want you to know that I feel and act this way because I am so afraid that I might loose you someday.

You get mad whenever I feel insecure and jealous. I am like this because sometimes, I don't know where I am at and what I should feel. I don't feel secure because you don't assure me that I have that special place in your heart and life. But even if I act this way, I still trust that I am the only one. I just need you to tell me and let me feel that it is true.

Be proud of me. I don't like the feeling that you are hiding the fact that we are together.

Make time for me. I will appreciate every minute.

Be patient. If I won't tell you how I feel, who else can I turn to?

Show me you love me. I will love you even more.

You may think that I demand too much. These are simple things that I ask. These simple things will make me happy. These simple things will make me love you even more, though I know that even if you don't show these simple things, I will continue to love you more and more.

Love,

Your Girlfriend

The Unanswered Question

"Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole"
-from the song: Make Me Whole by Amiel Larriex

Getting into a relationship is like giving another person a VIP pass into your life. I am now wondering what are the things a person should consider and do to grant and be granted this VIP pass.

I met someone who believes in the saying, "carpe diem" or seize the day. He said that he won't waste time and doesn't believe in courtship because every second counts. Why waste time in courtship if you love the person?

Growing up in a conservative society makes it hard for women to get into a relationship that fast. But thinking about the modernization and the liberation in the Philippines, the only people who cares about courtship are the elders and our parents.

Seeing the people around me get in and out of a relationship makes me wonder if it is really worth the risk. I wonder why people still dare to be attached to another people when everybody else's love keeps on falling.

That question is still left unanswered.

Or maybe the reason why it is left unanswered is because of the fear of getting an answer.

I hope that I will soon be writing about how extravagant and extraordinary love can be. I wish that I will be able to answer that question.

Take the risk?
o leave it hangin'?

Acceptance

Morality (from the Latin moralitas "manner, character, proper behavior") is a sense of behavioral conduct that differentiates intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are good (or right) and bad (or wrong). A moral code is a system of morality (for example, according to a particular philosophy, religion, culture, etc.) and a moral is any one practice or teaching within a moral code. Immorality is the active opposition to morality, while amorality is variously defined as an unawareness of, indifference toward, or disbelief in any set of moral standards or principles

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morality

How are we going to define morality? Can we say that one is immoral because we have contrasting beliefs?

In a Christian country like the Philippines, defying or questioning God and religion is a taboo. This is an act that a commoner would despise. Not attending the charge and not having a religion is wrong in the common Filipino eyes. Once you have stated what you believe, you will be judged and will be condemned.

I had a chance to hang out with a friend who is a Catholic. We had a great time and got to know each other well in a short span of time. However, when we talked about religion, our wills clashed.

He asked me what my religion is and if I go to church regularly. It took me quite a long time before I was able to answer. I thought that there will be no use if I deny what I really think and I have my own beliefs and I think everybody should respect that.

I told him that I was born Catholic but I don’t go to church anymore. It’s not that I don’t believe in God or I cross His teachings. I explained to him that I have a lot of questions and I still haven’t found the answers. (If you have been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know what it is)http://nicnax.blogspot.com/2010/11/religion-and-homosexuality.html

I was very disappointed when he told me that I am wrong and that I should go to church. It’s just an hour every Sunday and I won’t die if I attend. He told me that I’ll find the answers by listening to the word of God.

I’ve read a lot about the God’s teachings. I haven’t found what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been to different churches and have listened to different people telling me what to do and what to believe. I haven’t found the peace that I’ve been looking for.
I realized that because I chose to stand for what I believe, I will continue to be an exception. I will still be an outcast. It will be very hard for me to find someone that will understand.

I may not be like everybody else that fears of defying or questioning religion. But I am just like everyone else who believes in God and hopes that someday, He’ll give me His hand so I can see what I have been looking for. It’s just that I know I won’t find what I am looking for by merely going to church and pretending that I listen and I understand.

I am not afraid to be alone. I won’t deny what I feel so that I can be accepted in this society. I understand that it will happen. Someday, I know people will understand. I just hope that those pretending that they care will not look at me for what I believe and won’t see me for what I am not. I hope that they will see me for the beauty and uniqueness that I have.

I may be immoral in your eyes. But try to stand from where I am. You won't dare to say the things you've already said.

Religion and Homosexuality

I was born Catholic. I guess my parents are not very religious. We don’t go to church every Sunday, we don’t pray together, we don’t do stuff like that. But I’m proud to say that I grew up in a Catholic School so I’m very much familiar with the bible. It just so happened that I don’t have faith in religion anymore. I’ve seen things, I have some experiences, read researches and history about the truth behind religion. I’ve seen the effect and diversion it created.

I have a Christian colleague. She said she feels that I am at doubt and there is emptiness inside me. Well, she concluded that it’s the lack of faith and relationship with God that I need. I told her about how I see religion and how it condemns the third sex. I told her about Sodom and Gomorrah. I told her how I see some religious people as hypocrites. I finally had the chance to tell her how I hate the way people, religious people, condemn gays and lesbians. I told her how I despise the fact that homosexuals will remain as a sinner in religions eyes.

I asked her how homosexuals become sinners if they were born gay. I believe I’ve never heard a single gay or lesbian tell people that they chose the way they are. They always tell us that it’s not a chosen path but its how they felt. Nobody chose to be a homosexual. It’s who they are and that’s what we should accept whole heartedly.

She told me one thing. One thing that I will never forget for the rest of my life. One thing that I know others should know. I know people who understands the way I feel will also feel the disgust that I felt when I heard her words: BEING GAY IS A CURSE.

She told me that the reason why homosexuals are born in a family is not because of genetics or the environment, she told me that if your ancestors were sinners, you will have a curse and for sure, one of your offspring are bound to turn out gay or lesbian. It’s the curse passed on to us because of the sins of Adam and Eve. Only way to end it is to repent and turn back to the Lord, accept Jesus as our Savior.

I condemn that belief. If that is true, then screw it! Who would curse people? Who would do such a horrible thing. Being homosexual is not a curse. I thought the when Jesus was crucified, He redeemed us and saved us? I thought we were all given a new start when He sacrificed His life for us?

So this means that homosexuals have to change who they are and what they are and accept the fact that they will never be happy for the rest of their lives just so they will be saved? Is it a sin to be born the way they are? If it is, why allow them to be born anyway? They will forever be condemned and will burn in hell just because they are different? If it is true that being homosexual is a curse, then God must be a cruel God.

I believe that God is not cruel and He is a loving father. A father is ready to accept his children, no matter what they are and what they believe in. I’ve read the story of the Prodigal Son. I believe that God is also like that, he forgives. So why not believe that God will forgive and accept homosexuals. I hope that people will stop mocking and looking at them like they are a pain in the society.

I will trust what I my heart and mind tells me. I will never trust the hypocrisy of religion anymore. I can’t trust those who teaches good and thinks bad. I trust that God will help me find a way to listen and to learn His ways even without religion.

Religion, Faith, and Love

My colleague lent me a book about spirituality the other day and told me to read it because it is nice and inspirational. Out of courtesy, I took it and told her I would return it early next week. I am really not the spiritual type of person and I have lost faith in religion a couple of years ago. It’s not really the book that urged me to write today. It’s the experience and realization that came through with it.

I approached my colleague to her that I’ve read the first part of the book and it somehow touched even if I am not a very religious person. She asked me why I consider myself that way. Well, just to keep the conversation going, I told her the truth and maybe she’ll understand and see through the experience that I’ve gone through.

I was born Catholic and grew up in a Catholic School. I know the bible, Jesus, the whole history of how He redeemed the world and thought us different beautiful and kind things. I used to pray regularly before going to bed and even went to church every Sunday to listen to the word of God until I lost contact. I grew up, experienced pain and hardship. Our family went through a crisis and I never felt Him there. So I guess I stopped holding on to Him. Then, we went to live at the province where my mom and dad introduced the family into the world of Christianity. Being a part of a Christian church is not that bad. You learn different things and see God in a different way. One thing that I will never forget among the many things our pastor thought us is that God is a forgiving Lord. Once you have accepted him as your savior, you’ll be saved from the eternal fires of hell. That’s very comforting as well and for once, I felt like I was close to Him somehow even if I know at the back of my mind that something is not right.

I’ve seen different types of religion and their different views and interpretation of the bible. I wet to this church once where all the members were crying whenever they hear a testimony. That was fine because that is how they wanted to express themselves and their belief. The ugly part is; they try to force you to believe and to be one of them. Their pastor tells all the non members that they will burn in Hell unless they accept God. They are teaching their people that those who believes otherwise or even in other religion will not be a part of the “Saved”.

That’s when I felt that being a part of a religion is pointless. They all claim that they teach the same thing and believe in the same God but they contradict each other. Like Catholics who believes that one man is only for one woman and when they are bound in marriage, nothing but death can break the bond. Muslims on the other hand believes that it is okay to have many wives because that is the teaching of the bible. Go and multiply. Now I have a question and I hope that I will find an answer, how are we going to know which one is the right path when every religion in the world finds flaws and mistakes and keeps on throwing mud at each other. I haven’t found the answers so here I am, without religion and without belief.

After telling my whole story, my colleague told me that it’s not religion that I need, it’s the relationship with God. It’s not enough that I believe that there is a God. I should have a relationship with Him so that I will be saved and he will include me in the souls he will take with me in Heaven. I know in my heart that she is right. I know in myself that I need to hold onto something so that the emptiness in my heart will be filled. She encouraged me to come with her on Sunday to their church. She even reiterated that she is not forcing me since it has to come from me that I wanted to listen to the word of God and accept Him as my savior.

I really wanted to go because I am not closing my doors to anything
especially I know in my heart that I am looking for something. I am not saying that if I go with her, I will have a relationship with God and I will be able to say that I am a Christian. I just wanted to give it a shot.

Then, she explained to me that the reason why she is encouraging me to go to church is because she doesn’t want to be selfish. She knows that she will be saved because she knows in her heart that she has accepted God as her savior. It’s like how she feels about her family who has a different religion with her. She made it clear and I appreciate it when she told me that it’s not the religion but the relationship. She said she wants her family to have a clear relationship with God. She doesn’t care what their religion is but she cares about their trust and faith. She wants to live by the word of God like what she does. She wants them to be saved as well.

That is really very kind of her and to think of it, who am I for her to help build a relationship with God. She wants me to be saved and she encouraged me to listen to His word. Maybe I will find what I am looking for if I listen and come with them. She told me that they will not care what I believe in. What’s important is that we will make a relationship with the Lord.

But then, I still have doubts. It was even very coincidental that the episode of Glee was about spirituality and religion. The Glee Club members have different opinion about Jesus, God and religion. The weirdest part is that the character Kurt seemed to have echoed my thoughts. He is a gay character whose father is sick and dying. He was encouraged by his friends to pray to God and maybe that will help him. He refused. His words were fierce but somehow true.

“I don’t believe in God. You’ve profess your beliefs, I'm just stating mine. I think God is like Santa Claus for adults. ‘Cause God is kind of a jerk. He makes me gay and has His followers following me around telling me it’s something that I chose.It’s as if they will choose to be mocked every single day of their life.”

I am not a lesbian so don’t get me wrong. It’s just that I feel for people like Kurt. There is this one person that is very close to me and that I truly love who is gay. He will never be saved in the eyes of the believers. The city of Sodom and Gomorrah was burned because of lesbians and gay people. They are sinners. People mock them, make fun of them and look at them as if they have a contagious disease. They will never be accepted in the eyes of your religion or belief! I just want to tell all of you that they never chose to be the way they are. They are no more different than us. It just so happened that they are the way they are. If gays and lesbians will never be accepted in the doors of heaven, then don’t bother saving me at all. If God really sees them as sinners and not worthy to be a part f His Kingdom, then I will just look up and hope that one day, God will understand.

Greenhouse

We had a project in our company called ‘Greenhouse’. It was to make us better representatives and to increase our Net Promoter Score, thinking more for the customers and thinking outside the box. It was difficult at first but ended up fun in the end. It also made a way for me to meet somebody special.
Because of the said project, Customer Experience (CE) and Customer Resolutions Hyperbaric (CRHB), get to sit next to each other. It is basically a technique they tried to do in order for us to help each other. CE handles billings, payments, orders and stuff similar to those while CRHB handles the technical side of things. We were asked to sit beside a CRHB agent if we are a CE agent so if a customer calls and is misrouted in another department, we can just tap the shoulder of our seatmate and ask how simple things are done though. It is also a way of avoiding transfer calls. Because of this I met a guy and let’s call him by the name of LL.
He was the mysterious type at first and he rarely opens his mouth to talk. I encountered him before, he was flirting with one of my teammates when he transferred a call to her. He even approached her by that time. Then, I think I never noticed him again. During the first week of greenhouse, his station is parallel to mine. I never had the chance to talk to him by then. We just had the casual ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ thing going on.
After three weeks of the greenhouse project, we had to transfer pads and by this great coincidence, my CE teammate Kisses was absent. Then, I was so lucky that my computer is not working so I had to transfer station. Kisses occupied the station next to him and that’s where and when it all begun.
I like his eyes. I think that it is the most attractive part of him. His eyes are really attractive. It’s like when he looks at you, he sees something more than what you are showing outside. It’s like those eyes have been through things that makes him become a very understanding person. I also like the way he talks while his eyes are closed. I like his lazy and laid back attitude. His team manager said that he really is the shy type. She was even surprised to find out that when we get to sit next to each other, he started talking. He started asking me to tell him stories, starting to make fun of me, telling me things that I don’t know, he started to make me feel quite special. And that’s what I really like about him.
I swore to myself that I’ll never get attracted to anybody anymore. After all the heartaches and headaches I’ve had trying to fall in love and trying to be loved, I have simply given up. I guess it was worthless by then. It sucks to think that all of us are heading in the same direction. We will fall in love, will be in a relationship, get married, have kids, then get a divorce or grow old together. I thought that I wanted to do something different that’s why I removed the notion of love in my head. Well, it doesn’t mean that when I met LL, I’ll get married someday. It’s just that meeting him makes me feel alive again. It made me realize that somehow, it’s nice to feel attracted to somebody. I am not in love with LL, duh~ I hate the word. But who knows, maybe the reason why we met is to prove me wrong. We’ll never know.

New Look

do it the teletech way...

do it the teletech way...

Thoughts at Work on a Good Friday

Last night, before going to bed, I fixed some of my old school stuff. I smiled at the thought that I left school because I wanted to go to work and half of the reason is I don't want to be left behind.

He is leaving me for good.

I sensed that on the last talk we had. He said that he has found another. Someone that makes him happy and he hopes that that someone will be the last.

Though we don't have any special thing going on, for me he was special. He is my bestfriend and my confidante. He is the only one that I was truly honest with 99%. 1% of untruthfulness was my feelings for him. I never dared to tell him how I feel because I know that it can never be. It's a bit complicated if you know what I mean.
Then, I went to find a job and found one luckily. I am happy in what I am doing. I am the youngest in my team. Most of my colleagues are married, grown ups but in a relationship and some are single but satisfied. I am a bit left out as well.

Until I met someone who made me feel special for some time. He is funny, cute and we have the same likes though at times, we find it difficult to get along. We were buddies for a while. Then I felt that something different started to happen.

We were inseperable. Took lunch together. Went home together and hanged out together a lot. Some of my friends tell me it's getting on the next level. Then I found out he is in a relationship.

Well, I didn't care that much because I hate commitments. I suck at it. I tend to become possessive and controlling so I decided not to try to get into one. But then one day, he started avoiding me. He told that to me in a joking way but as what I firmly believe, jokes are half meant. Then, we parted ways. I started to feel uneasy when he is around. He became a total stranger to me once more.

I am left alone again.

Then I thought, maybe this is what's meant to happen. I said before in one of my blogs that you have to believe in love in order to find it. I still find it hard to believe. Love is for those who are at peace with their self. Someone who trust that they will be the best person to be loved and the best person to give love in return. I guess that person is not me.

Maybe someday I will find love or love will find me. No matter how it is, let it be. It's only now that I realized that it's scary to be alone. I don't see myself with kids or with a family. But I think that what really scares me is not to feel that you are loved. Worst, it is scary to think that I find it hard to love.

I think I'm just not ready.

de Guzman Family Outing

Slum Book 101

1. What is your name?

Veronica Baje

2. What is your nickname?

Nica, Nic, Nix

3. When were you born?

June 7, 1988

4. What is your favorite color?

Green

5. What is your favorite food?

Anything without veggie and something that has not a lot of fat.

6. What TV shows do you watch most?

Showtime! Smallville. Will & Grace.

7. What is your favorite movie of all time?

Finding Nemo

8. Who is your favorite actor/actress?

Coco Martin. Nicole Kidman. Tom Cruise

9. What type of music do you listen to?

Alternative Rock, Pop, RnB.

10. Who is your favorite singer?

Alex Max Band

11. Who is your favorite band?

The Calling, 2NE1, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

12. What is your favorite book?

Abarat, Lily of the Valley

13. Who is your favorite author?

Margareth Rome, Clive Barker, Nicholas Sparks

14. Describe yourself in one word.

Loud.

15. What are your hobbies?

Writing, sleeping, eating, listening to music, Watching movies and DVDs.

16. What is your ambition in life?

To get my own house and to buy a red convertible.

17. What is your greatest dream?

To become the richest and most famous girl in the world!

18. Who are your close friends?

Norman Acosta, Riarose Zaira Vitto, John Louie Cunanan.

19. Who is your best friend?

It was Ferdinand Pomento.

20. Who was your first kiss?

I can’t remember.

21. Who is your crush?

Most of them are bisexuals and some of them are taken so I’m not going to name anybody.

22. Describe your ideal mate.

Someone who will be ready to take me as I am. Someone who is willing to give up everything ad will not be afraid to fight for me. Someone who will not force me to become someone who I can never become. Someone who is not looking for a girl who knows how to cook. Someone who will need me more than I will need him.

23. Who is your inspiration?

Helen Keller and my family.

24. Describe your special someone?

I don’t have a special someone at the moment but if ever I will have, I want him to be smarter than me. I want him to be cute ad he should be a great cook. I want him to be the most sensible person to talk to.

25. Define love?

Love is a grave mental disorder but for some people, love is the reason for their existence. It gives color to their life. As for me, I have to believe in love first before I can give it a definite meaning.

26. What is your motto in life?

I am not afraid of storms for I know how to sail my ship. –Helen Keller

27. If you are an animal, what animal are you and why?

A cat. Cats are lazy, they love to sleep. They are sweet and playful.

28. Describe your ideal date.

Coco Martin.

29. If you will be given a chance to meet one prominent personality, who will it be and what will you ask him/her?

Alex Max Band. I will ask him, “Will you marry me?”

30. Are you happy? Why?

Yes. I have air in my lungs, I have work, I have a lot of friends and a few admirers. I have my family and a stable life. What else would I need?

Let’s Talk About Love, Love, Love!

I can still remember clearly the first time I had a crush. I was I kindergarten and my mom told me that I was just a “saling pusa” that time. I was in my big brother’s class and he had a classmate named Marlon. He was so told and he had beautiful eyes, he was the first ever crush that I had my whole life.

The reason why I am writing this one is because of a call I had last week. The security question I the account was ‘When did you got married?’ It was really sweet to use that as the security question since most people that I know can’t even remember to celebrate anniversaries anymore.

I’m in the early twenties and up to know I am still single. I’ve had a couple of flings and a few relationships before but I guess none of those meant to last. I really think I am afraid to commit to anybody. I have crushes and I consider myself dating at the moment but most of the guys that I like are gay. Well, I have crushes with straight guys but some of them are in a relationship and most of them are married.

I think that the main reason why I find it hard to find a guy that will make me fall is that I don’t believe in love anymore. Most of my married girlfriends says that I am only thinking this way because I am still young and I haven’t found the guy that will make me head over heals. Well, I don’t see myself getting married in any way. I don’t like the thought of having kids and settling with just a single man. Whenever I date somebody, the first thing they talk about is marriage. I really do get turned down once they babble about that kind of stuff. A typical guy wants to be tied up to a girl that knows how to cook and who love kids. Well, in my case, I want a guy who will accept me even if I am not a great cook. I want a man who will still be happy to be with me even if I don’t want to have kids. I want a guy who just wants to be with me and not to make me some kind of a baby maker and cook. I want a man who will love me and accept all the imperfection I have.

I think that I am not the romantic type of girl. I like adventure. I even like competition. I get more attracted to guys who are in a commitment. I guess they are harder to please and it’s really challenging. I easily fall for bisexuals because most of them can understand all my mood sings. They are also very witty and there are no dull moments with them.

Well then, I guess love is not for me. Like what Nicholas Sparks said I his book A Walk to Remember, ‘Love is a leap of Faith’. We have to believe in it to feel it. We have to have faith in order to find true love ad be loved in return.

Do it the TeleTech Way

Pol Benliro- our super cute trainer

***I can't find Sheila's photo...I tried every search engine..LOL

31 Questions for 2010

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
I guess ignoring something that one of my professors told me to do. I had to hide from him. Then I worked. It's my first time...^^

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't even remember if I made resolutions

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No

5. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Love life and personal savings account

6. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I don't really remember but I think it's somewhere in October. Ask Jhay for the details.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Hosting a beauty contest and the university Christmas Party. Then getting a job.

8. What was your biggest failure?

Hmm...

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yeah. Flu and fever. The weather sucks

10. What was the best thing you bought?

The undies mom and I saw at the store...^^

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?

None

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No one

13. Where did most of your money go?

School and bills

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Christmas

15. What song will always remind you of 2009?

May Bukas Pa

16. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? the same.

b) thinner or fatter? fatter

c) richer or poorer? richer!

17. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Hanging out with friends

18. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Sleeping

19. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Most likely...haha!

20. What was your favorite TV program?

Atashinshi

21. What was the best book you read?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows

22. What was your favorite film of this year?

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

23. What did you do on your birthday?

Go to school, eat then sleep

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Getting a new phone probably. I don't know. I don't really think about that kind of stuff.

25. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Chiz Escudero, Coco Martin and Manny Pacquiao

26. What political issue stirred you the most?

Maguindanao Massacre

27. Who did you miss?

Ferdz, Chups and Iar

28. Who was the best new person you met?

Norman Acosta

29. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

Seize the day!

30. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"You're so gay and you don't even like boys" So Gay by Lady Gaga

Wild Bus Ride

I went to Quezon City Hall to have my NBI Clearance renewed because I need it for my new job. I had bizarre experiences the whole day and a lot of funny things happened.

I took a Mayami Bus on the way there and was a bit surprised for the high price that it cost me. The ‘kunduktor’ took p35 from me. It is a bit expensive for such a short trip. I live a Dela Costa Homes which is found along Quirino High Way near SM Fairview.

When I reached the NBI Satellite office, I didn’t immediately fell in line, I had to run to McDo to take a pee. The freakin’ expensive bus is so cold that I was shivering all the way to my destination. Then, when I wet to take care of my renewal, there was a funny mother & son tandem. Well, the process of taking or renewing NBI clearance is like this:

1. Pay p115 at the cashier

2. If new NBI application, fill up the form and pay p5 to the guy who wears police shirt who will assist you for the finger printing

3. Have your photo taken

4. Go to the Date Entry Window

5. Claim your NBI at the last window.

So, this mother & son kept on talking to each other in English and I don’t know why but it seemed to me that they are both show offs. The son was in a hurry to have his NBI renewed that he went directly to the Date Entry window. When his mther noticed that there are people falling in line for the photo, she asked him (shouting) if he had his photo taken and to his surprised, he cursed and went back. He was only three people away from the window and he was s aggravated. His mother kept on telling him, “It’s alright, anak. Maiksi lang naman ang pila.”

Well, I was just annoyed that an old mother had to accompany his son who looks 28-30 years old already and had to make a scene. They were so noisy and when they reached the final step, the son was talking out loud about why me and the others in front of me are not moving and not doing anything at the moment. It is because when the girl who is five people away from me went there, the clerk told her that we should wait for 9am. It was only 8:05am so we waited. He was babbling and complaining so I stepped out of the line and told him that if he wants to, he can go ahead and take his NBI because we already tried and it is not yet ready.

After the NBI encounters, I walked along the East Avenue to go to BIR and get form 1902 for my TIN. I passed the Lung Center, East Avenue Medical Center, a street, and the SSS before I found a safe looking pedestrian way. It was 9am that time and I had to take out my umbrella and walk under it. When I reached the BIR road, I had to walk again and it was quite far then I reached the BIR. After getting a form, I went out of the building took my umbrella and admired the electronic billboard in front of the Weather Forecasting Station that showed weather forecasts. I find it cool. Then I walked back again but this time, it was a bit shorter walk because I didn’t have to go back to the NBI to take a bus.

The final and most alarming thing that happened to me is when I took the bus home. I forgot the name of the bus but when I sat and looked at the movie, I was shocked. The driver and the ‘kunduktor’ is playing porn movie. It is Chinese and it was a bold film. Why is it that there are buses who plays that kind of stuff. What if they have underage passengers? These kids will be exposed to this kind of stuff without parental supervision. I condemn those buses! They are very irresponsible and they are a bunch of perverts!

Asymptotes

The best thing that I do whenever I am bored is to fix things. I love arranging any stuff at home just to ease my boredom. This time, I decided to update the picture frames at the living room. Then, I went in my room and noticed my table. The frame where I placed my picture where I was with Ferdz. I kinda fixed it because the frame is too big for the photo that I placed there. I remembered everything that I had with Ferdz, it’s like a flash back.

I guess now is the right time to tell the story about how I met Ferdinand Pomento and how he changed my life forever…

***********

Journal Entry # 53
July 29, 2008

We had our room to room campaign. It was fun. I really love talking in front of a crowd. I got my crush’s number. Pomento pala, hindi Momento..haha!

Journal Entry # 87
Sept. 1, 2008

I find Ferdinand Pomento cute. He is really nice. Feeling ko nagbu-blush ako when he talks to me.

Journal Entry # 88
Sept. 2, 2008

Wala pa din akong permit, pero OK lang. Ferdz and I are text mates na! Haha! He’s really cute and nice. I like him, crush ko sya!

Journal Entry # 89
Sept. 3, 2008

Katext ko pa din si Ferdie minsan. We will be the emcee for the quiz bee. Sabi ko pa naman si Ryan na lang kaya lang Ma’am Oreste wanted Ferdz.
I like this feeling. I will be like an asymptote to Ferdz. We can get too close but will never cross the line…hehehe!

Journal Entry # 90
Sept. 4, 2008

MAJOR OMG! Super duper ever mega OMG talaga! Close na kami ni Ferdz. We met at the lounge nung hapon. Napakama[aglaro ng destiny. It so happened that while I was waiting for him, Jhay came. Then, we went together to our exams. Tapos when I stayed at the lounge after the exam (Jhay is sitting at my right and Vincent is at my left) I told them na pag pumasok si Ferdz at pumunta sa lounge, crush nya din ako. To my surprise, he went to the lounge and talked to me. Jhay stood up and went to his PAGFA friends. Selos ang lolo mo! LOL!

Journal Entry # 91
Sept. 5, 2008

Vincent otld me that Ferdz waited for me on purpose. Sabi nya daw, he is waiting for his friends. Then on the way home, I asked him about that. He told me that he was left behind by his friends. Sino kaya yung inaantay nya? Oh well~

Here I go again… bagong crush, bagoing kilig! Another headache., another heart ahe.

Journal Entry # 98
Sept. 12, 2008

We had a practice for the program tomorrow. Ma’am Enopia was harsh towards Ferdz. He wanted to give up already and I had to convince him not to. She was really unkind on him. She should consider the fact that it is his first time.

Journal Entry # 101
Sept. 15, 2008

I enjoyed the day. It was okay. Ferdz was a little nervous but we did great. I was exhausted but it was all in all a successful day!

Journal Entry #103
Sept. 17, 2008

Ferdz told me the truth about himself. (I wrote everything on my journal but I won’t write it here for some reasons J ) I was not that shocked because Iar said the same thing to me last year. It was also during the English Week. Maybe I was really cursed to like guys like him. Oh anyhow~ who cares?!

Journal Entry # 108
Sept. 22, 2008

I found out that Ferdz is on a bad relationship. It’s so hard to imagine that he is taking it too hard on himself.

Iniiwasan nya din si Steph. The the girl is texting me. Hindi ba nya naisip na if ever na may relationship kami ni Ferdz e magdidiwag ako because she was left and discarded like a used toy? Ewan…

Journal Entry #109
Sept. 23, 2008

He cried in front of me. I think that it is the best thing to happen. Now that the person that hurts him and makes him cry is out of his life, everything will be much better.

Journal Entry # 110
Sept. 24, 2008

My school life is all about Ferdz na. We see each other all the time. We eat together and do everything together.

***********

Those are the entries in my journal in which I am just starting to build a friendship with Ferdinand Pomento. I met him like any other people in school. He was in my Lit3 class. I already noticed him because he is smart and he can speak English really well even if he stutter at times. Then, I told Camille to get his number during our room to room campaign. She did and I texted him, inviting him to join the English Society. He doesn’t want to join at first, but with the powers vested upon me and by the great coincidence that Mrs. Oreste knows him, I got him to join the ES.

We became close and I was able to get over Jhay because of him. I kinda chose him over Jhay. It was great because there are a lot of stuff that we do together and we are much alike. It came to a point when he confessed to me a great secret that I never thought he would. He trusted me with that secret even though he just knew me for a month. Since then, we were inseparable.

Even though I know the truth about him, I felt that I still like him. I still see him as someone I would happily die for. The odds are, he doesn’t see me as such. But I don’t care, he is someone that can make me happy just by sitting next to me. For me, that’s a great thing. I don’t have a lot to tell except that people around us started thinking that we are a couple. Mrs. Villareal told us when we were watching the practice for Mr. & Ms. Fatima that we look good together. She doesn’t believe that we already broke up because I still cling to him. (We told her that we broke up…it’s a deed we did…LOL!)

My mom likes him a lot. I miss him a lot. I wrote two poems for him. He made me realize that love sees but doesn’t mind. Even if there are things that our understanding can never accept, love finds a way to throw it all away. Some people would judge others like him. Some would despise and say bad things. But I did not, I accepted it whole heartedly and thought that whatever he may be, I will still feel the same way for him. Now, all I look for in a guy is him. I don’t know why. We are not romantically together but being a part of his existence makes me satisfied.

I really do love him in a way nobody else will understand. I love him in a way that a sister loves a brother. I love him in a way that a woman feels for a man. But it will never be like that—that. It’s hard to explain... I miss him a lot. I am just thankful that Ferdinand Pomento came to my life.

Basilisk

I am currently watching the Basilisk Anime Series. I heard that they have a manga version and I still can’t find a copy. Anyway, I am now in episode nine and I believe I have developed a liking for some characters.

Basilisk: the Ninja Scrolls is about two enemy clans, Kouga and Iga. Their hatred for each other rooted four hundred years ago in which the characters has nothing to do with.

The story begins when Kouga Danjo was ordered by retired shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu to lead nine other warriors besides himself against the chosen ten of the rival Iga Tsubagakure clan to determine a successor to the shogunate. As a young man, Kouga Danjo fell in love with the Iga chieftess, Ogen, whom he planned to marry so that peace could be established between their clans. Unfortunately, fate conspired against them in the form of a surprise attack on Iga Tsubagakure by the forces of Oda Nobunaga with the assistance of the Koga. Ogen was furious and thought that she was deceived by Danjo, the peace they both wanted was lost forever.

Danjo never gave up his desire of one day bringing peace between Kouga and Iga and years later, he permitted his adopted grandson, Gennosuke, to become engaged to Ogen's granddaughter, Oboro, until Ieyasu's decree forced him to bring a decisive end to the longstanding feud by any means necessary.

After sending Kazamachi to deliver the Kouga's copy of the scroll, he steals the Iga's copy from Yashamaru and then killes Ogen by firing two darts into her neck. Ogen’s hawk was able to distract him and she pulls the needle from her mouth and stabs Danjo from the back..

The war between the two clans begins and the ninja’s from each side started fighting and killing each other. They all wasted lives of their loved ones and families. In the end, Oboro and Gennosuke was the only ones left standing and they must fight each other to death. Gennosuke, who never lost his love for Oboro, closed his eyes and decided to let her kill him. Instead, Oboro kills herself whereupon Gennosuke writes in the scroll that the final person to survive was Oboro before joining her in death.

Kouga Gennosuke (Kouga Clan)

The adopted heir of Kouga Danjou who assumes leadership of the clan following his grandfather's death. An idealist and scholar who believes in looking to the future instead of being dominated by the past, Gennosuke views the pursuit of any grudge to be an ultimately pointless and self-destructive practice. He adheres to his ideals even after learning of the Hattori Truce's absolvement, prompting him to lead the Koga on an expedition to Sunpu to plead with former Shogun Ieyasu and Hattori Hanzo to reinstigate the treaty before any further bloodshed occurs.

In addition to his skill with the sword, Gennosuke wields a power passed down his bloodline called Dojutsu. A hypnosis technique, Dojutsu allows Gennosuke the ability to reverse the homicidal intent of anyone who meets his stare directly effectively causing them to kill themselves instead of him.

Oboro (Iga Clan)

The adopted princess of the Iga clan, Oboro ascends to leadership following the death of Ogen only to have her authority usurped by Tenzen. Born with "mystic eyes," Oboro has the power to neutralize the techniques of any ninja who meets her stare directly. This power is constantly in effect and has the potential to affect both allies as well as enemies. Prior to the lifting of the Hattori truce, Oboro was engaged to Gennosuke in an attempt to bring a lasting peace between both clans. Oboro would frequently meet with Gennosuke along their clan's borders to practice a Japanese fan dance which they planned to perform for the guests at their wedding. Sweet natured with a gentle disposition, Oboro lacks any real talent for either martial arts or ninjutsu and is also a bit of a klutz. This, along with her love for Gennosuke has caused most of Iga to view Oboro as a black sheep.

Hotarubi (Iga Clan)

A petite and slender young woman with straight dark hair that drapes to just below her shoulders; Hotarubi embodies the concept of the traditional Japanese beauty. Although she shares her clan's hatred for the Kouga, Hotarubi's prime concern is for her lover, Yashamaru, another member of the Iga ten. Her devotion to him is so great that even the suggestion that he's come to harm is enough to send her into a feral rage.

In combat, Hotarubi summons swarms of glowing pink butterflies that overwhelm and distract her opponents, allowing her to either strike a lethal blow through their dropped defenses with her tantō or escape to safety. She also maintains a spiritual link with her pet viper who acts as her bodyguard and scout. Hotarubi summons and controls her butterflies through a barely audible chant.

Yashamaru (Iga Clan)

A brash and cocky young man, Yashamaru's favored weapon are dozens of strands of garrote wires called Kokujou (black rope, or black binding) which are woven from the hair of young women and alchemically treated with natural oils harvested from wild animals, turning them as hard as steel. Yashamaru controls the Kokujou as though they are an extension of his own body, and can use them to tie an opponent up, slice them to pieces, flay them, or even stiffen the wires so they can pierce like needles. The wires are usually kept wrapped around Yashamaru's forearms, but extra wires are tied around his calves in the event his hands and/or upper body becomes immobilized. He also carries a cleaver in a sheathe on his back although his opponents rarely get close enough that he's required to draw it.

Unlike most of the Iga clan, Yashamaru had begun to consider the Hattori truce beneficial as it allowed him a chance to live a peaceful and quiet life with his lover and comrade, Hotarubi, whom he planned to marry before the treaty's cancellation resulted in all out war between the clans.

Kisaragi Saemon (Kouga Clan)

A specialist in stealth and infiltration; Saemon is able to assume another person's identity by pressing their face into a raised mound of mud or soft clay, forming a mold with which he can insert his own face into to assume their appearance. This, along with his talent for impersonating voices, makes Saemon a master of disguise. His technique however is only effective cosmetically. It doesn't bestow him with any of a person's memories or abilities and anything with senses superior to a human's (as Hotarubi's snake proved) are able to see through it. Saemon is also one of the Kouga's more capable fighters, at one point successfully defending himself against multiple Iga ninjas at once.

Chikuma Koshirou (Iga Clan)

Apprentice to Tenzen, Koshirou's technique enables him to create miniature whirlwinds with his breath which suck his enemies in and then shreds them to pieces. He also wields a pair of kama hand scythes, which he can use in close combat or throw like boomerangs.

Koshirou and Oboro grew up together. And despite the differences in their stations she sees him as an older brother. Koshirou himself is completely devoted to Oboro and is even suggested to have romantic feelings for her. Unfortunately, his loyalty to Tenzen compels him to follow his sensei's orders regardless of how he personally feels. He's also the love interest of Akeginu although he's more or less oblivious to it otherwise

Muroga Hyouma (Kouga Clan)

Gennosuke's uncle and the second in command to Danjo. Like Gennosuke, Hyouma possesses the Doujutsu technique and was the one who originally taught Gennosuke how to use it. Unlike Gennosuke, Hyouma's Dojutsu is always in effect so he must keep his eyes shut or else risk accidentally killing the wrong person at the wrong time. To compensate, Hyouma develops an almost radar-like sense of hearing that makes it impossible for him to be snuck up on. Although he distrusts the Iga; Hyouma understands that despite whatever differences may exist between people, they are still humans who live, feel, and die the same way. It was due to Hyouma's teachings that Gennosuke was able to see past his clan's hatred for the Iga and attempt to establish peace, which Hyouma supports whole heartedly.

_{Source: Wikipedia}

*******************************************************

In the end, all of them were just victims of the hatred that was solidified for centuries. They were victims of the fate and war no one ever knew how begun. They all lived and died under the shadow of the dark past they all have.

All they desperately needed in the end was love and care from the people around them. Like Akeginu and Kagerou who both loved a man they can never win. They were willing to give up their lives for them.

Udono Jousuke, Jimushi Jubei, Kazamachi Shogen, Amayo Jingoro, Mino Nenki and Azuki Rousai all died with hatred in their heart. Their talents and lives were wasted because they chose to remain under the shadow of the past.

Chikuma Koshirou on the other hand, was torn between his loyalty to his master and his secret love for Oboro. He knows that she sees him as a brother and yet, he stood behind her and protected her all the time.

Yakushiji Tenzen was so angry that even in his 200 years of life, all he wanted to do was to annihilate the Kouga. He is a son of a Kouga Ninja and an Iga woman but because of her mother’s death from the hands of his own father, he chose to live under the Iga and manipulated people around him making them hate the Kouga.

Kasumi Gyoubu who wanted to avenge his father’s death failed when he accidentally killed a father in front of his son. He saw himself in the boy and died with guilt in his heart. Okoi who has no grudge against the Iga died wanting to make his brother, Saemon, proud. Kisaragi Saemon who loved his sister so much chose to avenge her death. Even if he felt a strong emotion for Hotarubi after getting to know her and seeing her true colors, he discarded his feelings and killed her in the name of Kouga. He also showed sympathy towards Akeginu that he and Kagero killed. He felt for them and saw his sister in their eyes. He is a very understanding person yet the vengeance he wanted to make surpassed all the kindness in his spirit

Yashamaru and Hotarubi who only wanted to live a happy life with each other died because of the loyalty they have for their clan. Yashamaru only wanted to make his colleagues proud. He thought that the truce was not so bad after all because he never wanted to see Hotarubi hurt. But he died in vain leaving Hotarubi broken hearted. When she learned that he died in battle, she lived with great fury and dedicated herself in killing the one who killed Yashamaru. Because of that desire, she lost her concentration and was overwhelmed by her emotion, making it easy for Saemon to kill her.

When fate left Oboro and Gennosuke the last standing in their clan, they both thought of letting the other kill them. But Oboro realized that Gennosuke would never dare hurt her so she killed herself instead. She loved Gennosuke with all her heart and that was enough to make her forget all the death and hatred her clan has for the other. Gennosuke, who watched Oboro die in front of him, wrote in the scroll that Oboro was the last one standing and killed himself to join her. In the end, history repeated itself. Like Ogen and Kouga Danjo who loved each other and planned to get married before the conflict begun. The only difference is Oboro and Gennosuke loved each other so much that they are willing to stop the war no matter how others may see it. They sacrificed their lives rather than live in extreme abhorrence.

In the end, they were all just victims of destiny they never wanted to have.