Fact or Fiction--You Decide

I always loved watching feel good movies. I always imagine myself to be the lead actress with whom the handsome actor fell in love with. I guess every girl in the world wishes to have a fairy tale ending.

My heart has been broken a number of times already. I stopped believing that I am a damsel in distress and my prince charming would come to my rescue one day. I know that you are thinking that you know where I am heading and you know where this story will end. You are probably thinking that somebody already proved me wrong. But no--somebody already proved me right. That I am right to say and think that life is not a fairy tale after all. That true love is rare. That prince charmings re meant to live in books and not in real life. That no one would sweep me off my feet and would turn me head over heels. No, there is no such thing as love. Love is a luxury and only the lucky ones get to feel true love.

I met a guy not too long ago. A known player who promised me the world. A guy who promised me that he would love me with all his heart. He promised me that he would prove everyone wrong including me. He promised me that he would prove to me that he is worth every second of my time.

Yes, he did. He did all his promises but only for a while. To cut it short, this guy broke my heart. Before I met him, I still believed and hoped that I would find true love. That not all guys are douche bags. I thought for a while that he could be the one. Even if not forever, he is someone that I would cherish for the rest of my life. It's just that, I thought too much that in the end, all that's left are thoughts.

Even if that guy did broke my heart, I still chose to stay. Not because I love him, but because he makes me feel alive. He is the only one that keeps my feet stuck into reality. Maybe if I let him go and if ever I did not allowed him back into my life, I would remain heartless. For he gives me pain that keeps me believing that one day I will finally find true happiness.

I really don't know where we are heading. we might seem stable at the moment but I know one day, if he finds another--if I find another, we'll leave and forget each other. I actually don't care anymore. The only thing that I care about is what we have now. He makes me feel special at times, he makes me feel pretty and needed. He makes me feel that I matter. I am happy, though I don't know if I am loved or if you can call whatever we have now as love, only the future knows the answer. I don't know and I won't care as long as I am happy even though I am hurting..

A Letter to Every Boyfriend in the World

Dear Boyfriend,

I believe I am not asking too much. Just a little time and your whole heart :) I know I am annoying at times and I tend to get resentful. I just want you to know that I feel and act this way because I am so afraid that I might loose you someday.

You get mad whenever I feel insecure and jealous. I am like this because sometimes, I don't know where I am at and what I should feel. I don't feel secure because you don't assure me that I have that special place in your heart and life. But even if I act this way, I still trust that I am the only one. I just need you to tell me and let me feel that it is true.

Be proud of me. I don't like the feeling that you are hiding the fact that we are together.

Make time for me. I will appreciate every minute.

Be patient. If I won't tell you how I feel, who else can I turn to?

Show me you love me. I will love you even more.

You may think that I demand too much. These are simple things that I ask. These simple things will make me happy. These simple things will make me love you even more, though I know that even if you don't show these simple things, I will continue to love you more and more.

Love,

Your Girlfriend

The Unanswered Question

"Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole"
-from the song: Make Me Whole by Amiel Larriex

Getting into a relationship is like giving another person a VIP pass into your life. I am now wondering what are the things a person should consider and do to grant and be granted this VIP pass.

I met someone who believes in the saying, "carpe diem" or seize the day. He said that he won't waste time and doesn't believe in courtship because every second counts. Why waste time in courtship if you love the person?

Growing up in a conservative society makes it hard for women to get into a relationship that fast. But thinking about the modernization and the liberation in the Philippines, the only people who cares about courtship are the elders and our parents.

Seeing the people around me get in and out of a relationship makes me wonder if it is really worth the risk. I wonder why people still dare to be attached to another people when everybody else's love keeps on falling.

That question is still left unanswered.

Or maybe the reason why it is left unanswered is because of the fear of getting an answer.

I hope that I will soon be writing about how extravagant and extraordinary love can be. I wish that I will be able to answer that question.

Take the risk?
o leave it hangin'?

Acceptance

Morality (from the Latin moralitas "manner, character, proper behavior") is a sense of behavioral conduct that differentiates intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are good (or right) and bad (or wrong). A moral code is a system of morality (for example, according to a particular philosophy, religion, culture, etc.) and a moral is any one practice or teaching within a moral code. Immorality is the active opposition to morality, while amorality is variously defined as an unawareness of, indifference toward, or disbelief in any set of moral standards or principles

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morality

How are we going to define morality? Can we say that one is immoral because we have contrasting beliefs?

In a Christian country like the Philippines, defying or questioning God and religion is a taboo. This is an act that a commoner would despise. Not attending the charge and not having a religion is wrong in the common Filipino eyes. Once you have stated what you believe, you will be judged and will be condemned.

I had a chance to hang out with a friend who is a Catholic. We had a great time and got to know each other well in a short span of time. However, when we talked about religion, our wills clashed.

He asked me what my religion is and if I go to church regularly. It took me quite a long time before I was able to answer. I thought that there will be no use if I deny what I really think and I have my own beliefs and I think everybody should respect that.

I told him that I was born Catholic but I don’t go to church anymore. It’s not that I don’t believe in God or I cross His teachings. I explained to him that I have a lot of questions and I still haven’t found the answers. (If you have been reading my previous blogs, you’ll know what it is)http://nicnax.blogspot.com/2010/11/religion-and-homosexuality.html

I was very disappointed when he told me that I am wrong and that I should go to church. It’s just an hour every Sunday and I won’t die if I attend. He told me that I’ll find the answers by listening to the word of God.

I’ve read a lot about the God’s teachings. I haven’t found what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been to different churches and have listened to different people telling me what to do and what to believe. I haven’t found the peace that I’ve been looking for.
I realized that because I chose to stand for what I believe, I will continue to be an exception. I will still be an outcast. It will be very hard for me to find someone that will understand.

I may not be like everybody else that fears of defying or questioning religion. But I am just like everyone else who believes in God and hopes that someday, He’ll give me His hand so I can see what I have been looking for. It’s just that I know I won’t find what I am looking for by merely going to church and pretending that I listen and I understand.

I am not afraid to be alone. I won’t deny what I feel so that I can be accepted in this society. I understand that it will happen. Someday, I know people will understand. I just hope that those pretending that they care will not look at me for what I believe and won’t see me for what I am not. I hope that they will see me for the beauty and uniqueness that I have.

I may be immoral in your eyes. But try to stand from where I am. You won't dare to say the things you've already said.

Religion and Homosexuality

I was born Catholic. I guess my parents are not very religious. We don’t go to church every Sunday, we don’t pray together, we don’t do stuff like that. But I’m proud to say that I grew up in a Catholic School so I’m very much familiar with the bible. It just so happened that I don’t have faith in religion anymore. I’ve seen things, I have some experiences, read researches and history about the truth behind religion. I’ve seen the effect and diversion it created.

I have a Christian colleague. She said she feels that I am at doubt and there is emptiness inside me. Well, she concluded that it’s the lack of faith and relationship with God that I need. I told her about how I see religion and how it condemns the third sex. I told her about Sodom and Gomorrah. I told her how I see some religious people as hypocrites. I finally had the chance to tell her how I hate the way people, religious people, condemn gays and lesbians. I told her how I despise the fact that homosexuals will remain as a sinner in religions eyes.

I asked her how homosexuals become sinners if they were born gay. I believe I’ve never heard a single gay or lesbian tell people that they chose the way they are. They always tell us that it’s not a chosen path but its how they felt. Nobody chose to be a homosexual. It’s who they are and that’s what we should accept whole heartedly.

She told me one thing. One thing that I will never forget for the rest of my life. One thing that I know others should know. I know people who understands the way I feel will also feel the disgust that I felt when I heard her words: BEING GAY IS A CURSE.

She told me that the reason why homosexuals are born in a family is not because of genetics or the environment, she told me that if your ancestors were sinners, you will have a curse and for sure, one of your offspring are bound to turn out gay or lesbian. It’s the curse passed on to us because of the sins of Adam and Eve. Only way to end it is to repent and turn back to the Lord, accept Jesus as our Savior.

I condemn that belief. If that is true, then screw it! Who would curse people? Who would do such a horrible thing. Being homosexual is not a curse. I thought the when Jesus was crucified, He redeemed us and saved us? I thought we were all given a new start when He sacrificed His life for us?

So this means that homosexuals have to change who they are and what they are and accept the fact that they will never be happy for the rest of their lives just so they will be saved? Is it a sin to be born the way they are? If it is, why allow them to be born anyway? They will forever be condemned and will burn in hell just because they are different? If it is true that being homosexual is a curse, then God must be a cruel God.

I believe that God is not cruel and He is a loving father. A father is ready to accept his children, no matter what they are and what they believe in. I’ve read the story of the Prodigal Son. I believe that God is also like that, he forgives. So why not believe that God will forgive and accept homosexuals. I hope that people will stop mocking and looking at them like they are a pain in the society.

I will trust what I my heart and mind tells me. I will never trust the hypocrisy of religion anymore. I can’t trust those who teaches good and thinks bad. I trust that God will help me find a way to listen and to learn His ways even without religion.

Religion, Faith, and Love

My colleague lent me a book about spirituality the other day and told me to read it because it is nice and inspirational. Out of courtesy, I took it and told her I would return it early next week. I am really not the spiritual type of person and I have lost faith in religion a couple of years ago. It’s not really the book that urged me to write today. It’s the experience and realization that came through with it.

I approached my colleague to her that I’ve read the first part of the book and it somehow touched even if I am not a very religious person. She asked me why I consider myself that way. Well, just to keep the conversation going, I told her the truth and maybe she’ll understand and see through the experience that I’ve gone through.

I was born Catholic and grew up in a Catholic School. I know the bible, Jesus, the whole history of how He redeemed the world and thought us different beautiful and kind things. I used to pray regularly before going to bed and even went to church every Sunday to listen to the word of God until I lost contact. I grew up, experienced pain and hardship. Our family went through a crisis and I never felt Him there. So I guess I stopped holding on to Him. Then, we went to live at the province where my mom and dad introduced the family into the world of Christianity. Being a part of a Christian church is not that bad. You learn different things and see God in a different way. One thing that I will never forget among the many things our pastor thought us is that God is a forgiving Lord. Once you have accepted him as your savior, you’ll be saved from the eternal fires of hell. That’s very comforting as well and for once, I felt like I was close to Him somehow even if I know at the back of my mind that something is not right.

I’ve seen different types of religion and their different views and interpretation of the bible. I wet to this church once where all the members were crying whenever they hear a testimony. That was fine because that is how they wanted to express themselves and their belief. The ugly part is; they try to force you to believe and to be one of them. Their pastor tells all the non members that they will burn in Hell unless they accept God. They are teaching their people that those who believes otherwise or even in other religion will not be a part of the “Saved”.

That’s when I felt that being a part of a religion is pointless. They all claim that they teach the same thing and believe in the same God but they contradict each other. Like Catholics who believes that one man is only for one woman and when they are bound in marriage, nothing but death can break the bond. Muslims on the other hand believes that it is okay to have many wives because that is the teaching of the bible. Go and multiply. Now I have a question and I hope that I will find an answer, how are we going to know which one is the right path when every religion in the world finds flaws and mistakes and keeps on throwing mud at each other. I haven’t found the answers so here I am, without religion and without belief.

After telling my whole story, my colleague told me that it’s not religion that I need, it’s the relationship with God. It’s not enough that I believe that there is a God. I should have a relationship with Him so that I will be saved and he will include me in the souls he will take with me in Heaven. I know in my heart that she is right. I know in myself that I need to hold onto something so that the emptiness in my heart will be filled. She encouraged me to come with her on Sunday to their church. She even reiterated that she is not forcing me since it has to come from me that I wanted to listen to the word of God and accept Him as my savior.

I really wanted to go because I am not closing my doors to anything
especially I know in my heart that I am looking for something. I am not saying that if I go with her, I will have a relationship with God and I will be able to say that I am a Christian. I just wanted to give it a shot.

Then, she explained to me that the reason why she is encouraging me to go to church is because she doesn’t want to be selfish. She knows that she will be saved because she knows in her heart that she has accepted God as her savior. It’s like how she feels about her family who has a different religion with her. She made it clear and I appreciate it when she told me that it’s not the religion but the relationship. She said she wants her family to have a clear relationship with God. She doesn’t care what their religion is but she cares about their trust and faith. She wants to live by the word of God like what she does. She wants them to be saved as well.

That is really very kind of her and to think of it, who am I for her to help build a relationship with God. She wants me to be saved and she encouraged me to listen to His word. Maybe I will find what I am looking for if I listen and come with them. She told me that they will not care what I believe in. What’s important is that we will make a relationship with the Lord.

But then, I still have doubts. It was even very coincidental that the episode of Glee was about spirituality and religion. The Glee Club members have different opinion about Jesus, God and religion. The weirdest part is that the character Kurt seemed to have echoed my thoughts. He is a gay character whose father is sick and dying. He was encouraged by his friends to pray to God and maybe that will help him. He refused. His words were fierce but somehow true.

“I don’t believe in God. You’ve profess your beliefs, I'm just stating mine. I think God is like Santa Claus for adults. ‘Cause God is kind of a jerk. He makes me gay and has His followers following me around telling me it’s something that I chose.It’s as if they will choose to be mocked every single day of their life.”

I am not a lesbian so don’t get me wrong. It’s just that I feel for people like Kurt. There is this one person that is very close to me and that I truly love who is gay. He will never be saved in the eyes of the believers. The city of Sodom and Gomorrah was burned because of lesbians and gay people. They are sinners. People mock them, make fun of them and look at them as if they have a contagious disease. They will never be accepted in the eyes of your religion or belief! I just want to tell all of you that they never chose to be the way they are. They are no more different than us. It just so happened that they are the way they are. If gays and lesbians will never be accepted in the doors of heaven, then don’t bother saving me at all. If God really sees them as sinners and not worthy to be a part f His Kingdom, then I will just look up and hope that one day, God will understand.

Greenhouse

We had a project in our company called ‘Greenhouse’. It was to make us better representatives and to increase our Net Promoter Score, thinking more for the customers and thinking outside the box. It was difficult at first but ended up fun in the end. It also made a way for me to meet somebody special.
Because of the said project, Customer Experience (CE) and Customer Resolutions Hyperbaric (CRHB), get to sit next to each other. It is basically a technique they tried to do in order for us to help each other. CE handles billings, payments, orders and stuff similar to those while CRHB handles the technical side of things. We were asked to sit beside a CRHB agent if we are a CE agent so if a customer calls and is misrouted in another department, we can just tap the shoulder of our seatmate and ask how simple things are done though. It is also a way of avoiding transfer calls. Because of this I met a guy and let’s call him by the name of LL.
He was the mysterious type at first and he rarely opens his mouth to talk. I encountered him before, he was flirting with one of my teammates when he transferred a call to her. He even approached her by that time. Then, I think I never noticed him again. During the first week of greenhouse, his station is parallel to mine. I never had the chance to talk to him by then. We just had the casual ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ thing going on.
After three weeks of the greenhouse project, we had to transfer pads and by this great coincidence, my CE teammate Kisses was absent. Then, I was so lucky that my computer is not working so I had to transfer station. Kisses occupied the station next to him and that’s where and when it all begun.
I like his eyes. I think that it is the most attractive part of him. His eyes are really attractive. It’s like when he looks at you, he sees something more than what you are showing outside. It’s like those eyes have been through things that makes him become a very understanding person. I also like the way he talks while his eyes are closed. I like his lazy and laid back attitude. His team manager said that he really is the shy type. She was even surprised to find out that when we get to sit next to each other, he started talking. He started asking me to tell him stories, starting to make fun of me, telling me things that I don’t know, he started to make me feel quite special. And that’s what I really like about him.
I swore to myself that I’ll never get attracted to anybody anymore. After all the heartaches and headaches I’ve had trying to fall in love and trying to be loved, I have simply given up. I guess it was worthless by then. It sucks to think that all of us are heading in the same direction. We will fall in love, will be in a relationship, get married, have kids, then get a divorce or grow old together. I thought that I wanted to do something different that’s why I removed the notion of love in my head. Well, it doesn’t mean that when I met LL, I’ll get married someday. It’s just that meeting him makes me feel alive again. It made me realize that somehow, it’s nice to feel attracted to somebody. I am not in love with LL, duh~ I hate the word. But who knows, maybe the reason why we met is to prove me wrong. We’ll never know.